Chancellor of the Exchequer, George 'No Clue' Osborne has begged the fashion industry to bring back the mini-skirt.
"When I was studying economics," said Osborne, "on a night course in Northwich three weeks ago, I discovered this theory that the length of women's skirts correlates exactly to the state of the economy."
According to the theory Osborne has seen, when the economy is booming, women wear mini-skirts, and when the economy is in downturn the skirts get longer and longer.
"I think the whole thing got messed up when women decided to start wearing trousers all the time," said Osborne, with a touch of lament in his voice. "The economy didn't know how to handle that."
Osborne believes that if women all start wearing mini-skirts again, then the economy will pick up in time for the next election.
"For the sake of the British people!" cried Osborne, "Girls hitch up those skirts! Tartan! Flared! Pleated! Or Pencil! Almost show your knickers! But don't, we're called the Conservative Party for a reason. All our parties are conservative affairs with sparkling water not champagne and cocoa with absolutely no cocaine."
Women of the UK are being urged to wear mini-skirts even when it's cold wet and miserable, "for the sake of the economy".
Poppy Delevingne, model and almost royalty, has worn a mini-skirt for most of her adult life.
"I like the mini-skirt because my legs are so long and skinny," she gushed. "I like the way they make me look when I've just had a pedicure and fake-bake smoothed all over them during a sensual massage, all creamy and smooth."
However, she didn't believe that Osborne was on the right lines. "I think Osborn needs to realise that skirt length is at best optimistic dressing by women during opulent economic times and at worst a false syllogism with no correlation. In either case, the length of women's skirts will have zero impact on the state of the British economy and should he wish to see a marked improvement, he should give the job of running it to somebody who understands economics."