London - The Chelsea Flower Show has been rocked by a royal extramarital shagging caper among the Love Lies Bleeding (Amaranthus caudatus) borders.
Early this morning Prince Philip was caught doing something lurid with a large mink-fur paintbrush to obnoxious social climber Lady Piginclover.
Daft octogenarian spouse Queen Elizardbirth immediately took umbrage and wacked him hard with her trusty handbag straight in the pollination sac. Ouch.
"Piss off before I clock you one," HM hissed at Phil's startled floozy, a gold-digging relative of Kate Middleton commonly known as Black Eyed Susan (C**ntess Thunbergia Alata).
Of course the elderly royal couple has been notorious for their horticultural spats ever since the Old Queen Mum went down with a dose of hives following an act of gross indecency with the Aga Khan's bull mastiff.
In the Amnesiacs Society Remembrance Garden.
Then there was the bizarre case of Prince Charles's prize winning Chelsea butternut squashes after proctologists warned his organic propagation techniques left a lot to be desired, considering the average stretchability of the male rectum.
This year Princess Anus will escort the Oldies to the show preview, a sturdy chastity belt inside her knickers precluding any unwarranted hanky-panky with some highly suspect coca growers responsible for Chelsea's Ecuadorian Embassy Fugitive On The Run Garden, sponsored by WikiLeeks Veg-For-Hire.
A few tickets remain for the sell-out show this Friday, price two hundred squid.