Written by Shortty
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Sunday, 18 May 2014

image for A hit with the voters?
Severe queue's are expected for this candidate

How many times have you heard it said? Our political system doesn't work because we only have two realistic options of who to vote for. One is for Eton educated toffs with extravagant duck houses on the lake in their front gardens, the other stands for whoever just got off a plane with their enormous extended family, or better yet has just sneaked through the channel tunnel.

Obviously you can waste your vote on the third most popular party if you choose, but few do. This is because the leader of this party is somewhat ideologically confused and believes in duck houses for all, especially those who have just sneaked through the channel tunnel. The disappointing lack of viable voting options has lead to the emergence of several new parties with radical manifesto's, usually focussing on single issues. Perhaps the most prominent of these is the group campaigning solely for all foreigners or anyone "with a bit of coffee in them" to be set on fire and then thrown off the cliffs at Dover.

Even the way these idiots debate the future of this once great nation is ridiculous, mimicking each other and pulling faces like disobedient infants. Contrast this with the scenes in the Ukranian parliament this week where an intense debate led to a huge brawl on live television with both sides of the house keen to put their point across with their fists. This is how real men resolve serious issues, with a full blown melee until one side agrees that the other has made the more convincing case. This method of getting to the appropriate conclusion has also recently been witnessed in Greece, Russia and India. So what is stopping our politicians adopting such a strategy?

It seems most voters are in favour of our "honourable" members beating each other senseless on our behalf, but the thought of actually seeing this has lead to an unprecedented surge in people applying to be politicians themselves. It seems this is because in 2014, almost everybody wants to punch a politician. It has long been said that a protest vote at a local election is to give a particular party "a bloody nose", so why not give them a literally bloody nose?

So which politician would you choose?

Here at the Spoof we believe in people power so we are giving you the chance to vote on it (that's right, finally a vote on something interesting and important).
All MP's may be voted for apart from David Blunkett, unless you agree in the interest of equality to attempt it in a room with no windows and no lights on, John Prescott because of the strong probability of him giving you one back, and Ed Milliband because we don't need a poll to tell us that more than nine out of ten people would relish giving that odious wanker a smack in the mouth.

The only three criteria you must fulfill to vote are, you must be
A. Over eighteen years of age
B. At your wits end with the pontlessness of voting for cretins you despise
C. Capable of throwing "a tidy right hander"

If this sounds like you then please register your vote here :

www.Jesus Christ, i've waited all my life for the chance to chin one of those slimy bastards

Make Shortty's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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