Nigerian terror group Boko Haram are making a name for themselves after declaring war on the West. So angry are they with the West that they want to kill anything that has anything to do with the West. So seething with the West are they, that now it seems they even want to kill anybody whose surname is West. They have vowed to break in to prison to attack Rose West, wife of notorious murderer Fred West. When our reporter put this to her, she replied "I'm sure they're not all bad, i'd love a couple of big black lads to pay me a visit. I'm in a womens prison and although i do dabble, it's just not the same".
Sexually frustrated and deluded, Rose is unaware though just how dangerous Boko Haram actually are. They believe almost everything to be "haram", which means sinful or forbidden. Birds have now ceased to exist in Nigeria after they were all hunted down and tortured because they refused to stop singing. Singing is "haram" and punishable by death irrespective of who is doing it.
Boko Haram's charismatic leader Abubakar "Misery Guts" Shekau has a violent reputation and is frightened of nobody or nothing. He proved this recently by leading his men in an all out assault against the sun. He said he was fed up of the sun shining on the West and that it needed to be taken down a peg or two. Also, people in his country would sometimes wake up, feel the warmth of the sun and often smile to themselves. Smiling is obviously "haram".
In fact, almost everything is "haram" to Boko Haram. If a woman is said to have experienced physical relations with a man, that is definitely "haram". When it was pointed out to them that they existed because their mothers had given birth to them (presumably after contact of some sort with a man) Boko Haram were so disgusted that they ruled that they were themselves "haram". At this point, confusion descended upon the group as existential musings are not really where their talents are best exhibited.
All in all these are dangerous times, even for terrorists themselves. Some are so appalled at how "haram" they are that they have threatened to blow themselves up, only for everyone else to erupt in wild celebrations and backslapping congratulations. Spontaneous outbursts of delight are deemed "massively haram" so anyone caught celebrating someone blowing themselves up is to immediately be put to death.
According to experts in African dialects and languages, the literal translation of Boko Haram is "Oi, if you don't stop laughing we're gonna f**king kill you".