Written by Tommy Lynch
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Wednesday, 14 May 2014

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Ross Kemp Goes Missing In Salford

Ex East-Enders actor Ross 'The Real Deal' Kemp was reported missing today whilst filming another episode of Ross Kemp On Gangs in Salford.

A distraught production assistant who declined to be named for fear of reprisals said:

'We tried to warn Ross that this was probably a bridge too far. I mean, we'd done Rio, and LA, and London, and Romania, and Moscow too, but a lot of the team felt that Salford was just pushing the envelope a bit too far.Ross went out to speak to a caracter from Clarendon olde School and just disappeared. Simple as that. We haven't had a ransom note yet and quite frankly we don't know if he's alive or dead.

I would appeal to anybody out there that if they're holding Ross, could they please release him and we'll say no more about it.'

A Salford Police spokesman said: 'The daft t@@t should have known that something like this was bound to happen. There's no point in coming to us for help either,we avoid Salford whenever possible.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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