The government has announced that the number of faith schools in the UK is to be massively increased, in an attempt to placate vocal religious groups who are demanding more control over their childrens' education.
Religious fanatic the Archbishop of Romford said that he thought that an education could never be complete without a spiritual element. He considered Biblical study to be as important as English or maths for people's careers. "How can we raise the next generation if they don't know how to please God? After all, he is a vengeful deity who has the power to punish us for all eternity. I think in this country we're not paying him as much attention as we used to, and when he finds out he's going to be really angry."
Street preacher Dr Abdul agreed in principle with the Archbishop that more money needed to be spent on God, but disagreed about which God. He thought that building faith schools which spread the word of the wrong God would be even more dangerous than not building the faith schools at all. However, he had no doubt about which God was the true one. "It's my one, of course."
A government spokesman said that faith schools were good because "brainwashed God-fearing children are obedient children", and pupils from such schools generally performed better than those from secular schools. However, analysts from the University of Dorking said that the only reason faith schools performed better was because of their emphasis on religious education, where exam questions were much easier. Also many of them gave good grades for simply praying.
"Of course the 'scientists' would say that," said the Archbishop of Romford in response. "If they ignored their science books and relied on the Bible for guidance I think they'd find a very different answer. Why don't they try measuring how many people from faith schools end up in heaven? Surely that's a far more important statistic."
Prime Minister David Cameron backed the plans and argued that Britain needed more religion, not less. He praised the "unconditional faith" of believers, and promised to do more to defend them from people who might ask awkward questions. He added, "religious people shouldn't have to explain their actions or beliefs logically, just as I don't."