Written by Dirk Action
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Friday, 2 May 2014

image for UK Military to make soldiers out of UKIP leader's Skin
Bullet point number one for UKIP manifesto

"It's so tough" asserted Major Jonathan Eaton Cum, "It's probably true that he's made of Teflon".

Nigel Farage certainly gets away with much, without being shot. Army boffins agree:

"We put him in front of a firing squad on Thursday and asked him to shout 'no Lezzas on my back bench' while we emptied several SLR rounds into his cheeky face. It was gratifying but had no effect whatsoever".

Test results are therefore remarkable so far and exocets will be tested next; just as soon as a recently married euro-centric, highly paid, gay, African academic can be sourced for the experiment.

Asked if the army were jumping the gun and a chink might yet be found in his armour, Nigel Farage replied:

"No Chinese man will be taking over my face and buttocks anytime soon".

The only concern remaining for this enigmatic man of faux-pas steel: will he always be able to tell the difference between the two?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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