Written by Backandtotheleft
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Topics: Banks, mortgage

Friday, 25 April 2014

image for New Mortgage Rate System Rated (We Need To Hire A Snappy Headline Writer)
Under the new guidlines this man would not be eligible for a mortgage

In a shakeup to the way we apply for mortgage's people will now take a personality test to see if their eligible to receive a large sum of money for them to own their own property. The test will take the form of a quiz with a number of questions and will make professional adults feel like humble school kids as a faceless banker decides whether your lifestyle would be well served by getting on the property ladder.

Luckily as a heads up Back and to the Left news have managed to "acquire" part of the quiz. We say "acquire", what we mean is we tore it from the hands of the man who had informed us of the changes.

The whole tearing thing is why we only have part of the quiz and not the complete set of questions.

The new rules known as the Mortgage Market Review (MMR, hey remember when everyone thought the MMR vaccine was giving our kids autism? All because some American chat show host backed some mad woman's theory without any scientific or medical evidence? God we were all so fucking stupid!) will come into force sometime this year. Here's a heads up on some of those questions with advice on how to answer them

7. Are you or any of your family part of a Satanic cult? If so which ones?

This is a trick question because most people wouldn't freely admit to their Satanic worship during a test. But as most banks are in league with at least one demonic entity then it is advisable to find out which aspect of the devil your branch worships. IE Barclays=Beelzebub, Santander=Mammon. Do your research!

8. Are you an organiser of cock fights?

They mean the bird. A cock is a type of bird like a Peacock we expect. Try not to make the same mistake we did.

9. Do you like Coldplay?

The potential killer question. All bankers and mortgage like the weak middle of the road pap churned out by a band with as much charisma as a dead herring. However you must answer yes to this question as Coldplay concerts are the only thing that give them a release from their prisons made of rates and numbers.

You might be wondering why we at Back and to the Left news would want to help you in your efforts to get a house. Well we consider everyone who reads our pieces as friends and do you know what friends do? Provide safe houses for other friends to store their stashes when the police start asking questions

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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