Written by queen mudder
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Tuesday, 14 November 2006

image for Roman's ship thrills archaeologists
(Left) Roman's Ship

Cowes, Isle of Wight - (Associated Mess): British archaeologists are said to be thrilled at recent UK marine police reports that a yacht - the Pal Horus - belonging to dodgy Russian oligarch and Chelsea football club owner Roman Abramovich has been identified as 'groaning with contraband' in the form of rare Mesapotamian antiquities fenced via the even dodgier Knightsbridge grocer Mohammed 'The Pharaoh' Fayed.

The treasure trove whored was spotted unexpectedly after UK Customs officers trailed the pleasure craft from a recent official, high-profile goodwill mission to Bogota on behalf of the Abramovich Charitable Foundation, noticing that after it docked in the UK and offloaded a substantial cargo of vital Colombian homoeopathic ingredients bound for Harrabs department store, there was a rapid exchange of freight.

An undercover surveillance operation then identified key artefacts missing from the Fertile Crescent area of the newly-fledged Hearts 'N' Minds Federation of Iraqi States, packaged in bubble-wrap and over-stamped with the logo of the Halliburton Corporation.

"The sight of these brought tears to our eyes", said a UK Unnatural History Museum spokesman privy to the event.

UK press enquiries have so far been unable to join up the dots to unsourced reports that the Colombian embassy in central London's Chester Square - where resident Global Piss Process luminaries include Baroness Thatcher and Abramovich himself - has been using a mobile phone jammer in this exclusive SW3 enclave.

Although highly illegal, the micro-wave busting tool is a frequent necessity for protecting high-ranking diplomatic transmissions, such as recent "what the F**!ing H*** do you expect me to do now that the cops have busted Lord Levy?" exchanges between sources close to No 10 Drowning Street and the US ambassador's residence in Regent's Park's Outer Circle.

Earlier last year, Abramovich's limousine was corralled by Royal Parks Police into a cul de sac in the Inner Circle after attempting to claim ownership of two priceless Nash villas that grace this Jewel in the Crown of the Royal Estates.

After a volley of protests, Abramovich waved legal-looking pieces of paper at the Parks cops. These stated that Harrabs Estate Agents had flogged him the magnificent stuccoed specimens following an insolvency sale by the previous owners.

City of London Fraud Squad has confirmed that the witness signature on the conveyancing paperwork was in the name of one Kevin Maxwell, the UK's largest bankrupt whose second personal foray into the world of organised crime went down the swanee in 2005, just like the first.

Meanwhile the Pal Horus is remaining berthed in Cowes while Customs & Excise awaits its warrant to enter.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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