Manchester United's descent into mediocrity is due to a plague of purple lizard humanoids.
David Ike, not to be confused with David Icke or David Moyes phoned the Spoof's Manchester United Crisis phone line this morning offering his services as coach and purple lizard exterminator. The Lizards also known as the Brotherhood are descendants of reptilians from the constellation Drax, who walk on two legs, appear human, and who have excavated tunnels and caverns underneath the player's dressing room.
He argues that Manchester United have been an ass pain for too long now and the reptilians, the race of gods known as the Soccer Anunnaki in the Babylonian creation myth, "Enema Eliš" have decided to infest Old Trafford. Ike's idea of soccer sabotaging "inner-earth reptilians" is not new, though he has done more than most nutjobs to expand it.
According to Ike's Mum, Doris, "Humanity is ruled by descendants of reptilians from Drax."
Doris Ike told us that the "Soccer Anunnaki" have crossbred with human beings, the breeding lines chosen for strategic reasons, arguing that they are the Football Watchers, the fallen angels, or "Grigori," who mated with female soccer fans in the Biblical apocrypha. Their first reptilian-human hybrid, possibly Roony, was created 200,000-300,000 years ago. There was a second breeding program 30,000 years ago, and a third 7,000 years ago. Our reporter asked Doris when the next one would be but she replied "OOh you naughty boy! Come here and I'll show you."