Written by Dave Stewart
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Wednesday, 23 April 2014

A BAKERY delivery boy from Yorkshire has won the Tour De France two months before it is due to begin.

Slowly pushing a bicycle up a hill to the tune of 'Going Home' from Dvorak's 9th Symphony, Peter Leyland passed the finish line in Harrogate as elderly actors from Last of The Summer Wine engaged in half-comatose applause.

Leyland had a difficult pre-Olympic period, due to unforgiving weather and the fact he is twelve years old. But that didn't stop him embarking on the world's most punishing bicycle race. When the Yorkshire-born youth slumped across the finish-line he shouted: "Don't say brown, say Ho-" but was cut off by an interjection from singer, Morrissey, late of The Smiths.

"I don't know what I'm doing here," announced a four-inch-quiffed Morrissey, "I have no interest in this event."

But a toast was raised by the 54-year old Pope of Mope, who then added butter to it and congratulated Peter and Yorkshire on a fantastic win.

"Wielding a bicycle chain, no I will not change and I will not be nice. But when you cycled by, here began all my dreams, the saddest thing I've ever seen, and you never knew how much I wanted you to be victorious in this prominent event."

Peter, who has been pushing his bike for decades, said: "It's been an up-hill struggle and I suppose it's all down-hill from here."

A report has inexplicably been sent to the Procurator Fiscal.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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