EU lunacy. Health and safety madness. You couldn't make it up. No matter how many cliched anti-European headlines you have heard, none of them are extreme enough to capture the latest insane idea from Brussels.
European Health Inspector Hans Neeson-Bumpsadaisy has declared that British toilets are "not suitable for post-lavatorial faecal inspection". He said that he would like to see all toilets in the UK replaced with the flat-bottomed German style, to allow toilet users to properly examine their excretions before every flush.
Nigel Farage, head of UKIP, has said that this was a typical example of European attempts to subvert the British way of life, and that the only way to save British loos would be to leave the EU completely. "These Euro-bureaucrats will not be happy until they've straightened our U-bends and flushed our decent British toilets down the drain." He called for a blockade of European toilets imported into the UK. He also described the German style of toilets as "disgusting", saying that only a poo-obsessed Teuton would want to view his own defecatory discharges.
However, newspaper journalist and self-proclaimed "voice of reason" Carmen Senza was not so worried. "It was an off-the-cuff comment from an EU official, it isn't law. Do you really think the EU would be so crazy as to force every toilet in Britain to be re-installed, for whatever reason, I don't know. I guess it would boost the Polish economy, but the point is that it isn't actually going to happen. It doesn't matter though, I expect every pathetic shoddy tabloid in the land will pick up on this non-story for the chance to make lots of immature toilet jokes."
No EU spokesperson was available to comment on the loo-dicrous idea.