Written by CaptainSausage
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Sunday, 20 April 2014

image for EU requires all British toilets to be replaced with German style loos
By EU law, when toilets die, they must be buried to ensure they go to toilet heaven

EU lunacy. Health and safety madness. You couldn't make it up. No matter how many cliched anti-European headlines you have heard, none of them are extreme enough to capture the latest insane idea from Brussels.

European Health Inspector Hans Neeson-Bumpsadaisy has declared that British toilets are "not suitable for post-lavatorial faecal inspection". He said that he would like to see all toilets in the UK replaced with the flat-bottomed German style, to allow toilet users to properly examine their excretions before every flush.

Nigel Farage, head of UKIP, has said that this was a typical example of European attempts to subvert the British way of life, and that the only way to save British loos would be to leave the EU completely. "These Euro-bureaucrats will not be happy until they've straightened our U-bends and flushed our decent British toilets down the drain." He called for a blockade of European toilets imported into the UK. He also described the German style of toilets as "disgusting", saying that only a poo-obsessed Teuton would want to view his own defecatory discharges.

However, newspaper journalist and self-proclaimed "voice of reason" Carmen Senza was not so worried. "It was an off-the-cuff comment from an EU official, it isn't law. Do you really think the EU would be so crazy as to force every toilet in Britain to be re-installed, for whatever reason, I don't know. I guess it would boost the Polish economy, but the point is that it isn't actually going to happen. It doesn't matter though, I expect every pathetic shoddy tabloid in the land will pick up on this non-story for the chance to make lots of immature toilet jokes."

No EU spokesperson was available to comment on the loo-dicrous idea.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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