Written by Jack Allen
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Monday, 12 May 2014

image for English Delivery Service Fires Inept Employees
The above male replaces former employee, A.Young

The Owls' Wings, an English delivery service previously labelled as "shitter than the rest", has finally fired its under-performing employees and hired "new and exciting prospects for the future".

Ahead of the busy and important summer schedule for The Owls' Wings, an overhaul of staff has led to the nation once again believing that the company could be as good as they were 46 years ago.

Back in 2012, The Owls' Wings quickly set seemingly unachievable goals given the employees their consistently hired. Employees were quickly found out to be inadequate, with many having no left foot to deliver their goods, but kept their jobs due to no quarterly reviews being carried out. This led to The Owls' Wings being accused of mismanagement with no staff member ever being made redundant, even with their list of errors being mocked by rival companies who had long surpassed the delivery standards The Owls' Wings provided. All of the above issues resulted in a record number of complaints across the country regarding the timing, speed and quality of their deliveries.

The increasing pressure on the owner to sack all under performing staff ahead of the crucial summer period has resulted in younger, hungrier and overall more talented employees being hired on a long term basis. The manager of the company said today that, "my methods might be dated but they will get there in the end! Just like our deliveries."

Shareholders had discussed changing manager, but finding a replacement proved too difficult as an unhappy elderly bulldog that depends on financial backing was the only candidate for the position.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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