Written by Jack Allen
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Friday, 30 May 2014

image for All-Saints Employees Causing Relationship Issues
Wouldn't mind if you stretched her round neck jumper…

New research has revealed the biggest reason for couples arguing during shopping are the over-flirtatious employees of All-Saints.

Up until recently it was the total time spent shopping, impulse purchases, or the total amount spent that would most likely lead to couples arguing in public. But now the future high-end escorts of the UK lead the way with their innuendos, hair flicks and tight (asses) clothing. Jonny, 22, is currently 'on a break' from his girlfriend because of an incident in an All Saints store and had the following to say.

"I went into the store with Gemma, picked up a jumper and got to the till without talking or looking at anyone. Gemma wanted to browse but that's when problems have occurred before. At the till I accidentally put my card into the machine before it needed to because of the pressure. I looked up at the woman behind the till and she said, 'Can you slide your card out and put it back in hard and fast please.' This was followed by a wink. I remember my eyes widening with shock. Gemma immediately stormed out before I could say anything or act upon my trouser stretching erection."

All Saints are yet to comment on the behaviour of their employees but this tactic is anything but new within business. For example, Richard Branson was recently taken to court because sad, fat and ugly businessmen receiving an old fashioned from a Virgin flight attendant rose by 275% during the last financial quarter.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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