The BBC moved quickly today by immediately appointing angry pensioner and former Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson as the new co-host of Strictly Come Dancing. The announcement follows the decision of Bruce Forsyth to step down after ten years. The BBC immediately drew up a shortlist of one candidate. It is a surprising turn of events given that the famously paranoid Ferguson harboured an irrational grudge against the BBC for many years.
"It's great to have Fergie on board. We want to capitalise on the fact that football fans up and down the country have been laughing at Manchester United since late last year. Also our show is obviously incredibly irritating and constantly appeals to the lowest common denominator despite its pretensions to old world class so it's a perfect fit really." gushed BBC spokesman Guy Focusgroup.
" After years of having Brucie it's vitally important we have someone hosting that rambles incoherently between dances- someone we can all laugh at. Even so, we had some work to do attempting to persuade Fergie to come out of retirement. It turns out he's a big fan of the show but just to be sure we decided to convince him that the show was actually dominated by Liverpool Football Club. It was a stroke of genius on our part. When we told him that his response was ' When do I start?' ".
Ferguson gave a rambling press conference which was constantly interrupted by angry and distraught Manchester United fans who blame Ferguson for the club's demise. Ferguson announced he has drawn up a list of people (mostly from Liverpool) who would be banned from appearing on the show. "My biggest challenge is to knock Liverpool Football Club off their effin' perch and you can effin' well print that." When a journalist asked if Liverpool could win the league this year Ferguson replied " Right that's you effin' well barred."
Eamonn Holmes, a celebrity Manchester United supporter and personal friend of Ferguson welcomed the news. "He is a truly great national figure alongside myself of course, and people such as Margaret Thatcher and my boss Rupert Murdoch who have stood up to those whingeing communist scroungers in Liverpool."