London - The nation needs redemption from the savage misery inflicted on hapless TV viewers subjected to close-ups of Theresa May's terrible 'haunted house' hair.
In an era of unprecedented advances in hair beauty products Ms May remains a stalwart Luddite, her wiry untamed tresses rebellious to the last.
This week a national disasters committee is readying to take matters in hand with a televised appeal for emergency funds to buy the wild-haired Home Secretary a magic ionising hairbrush.
The battery operated styling tool uses microscopic bursts of radiation (sic) to fry - uh, freak! - the hell out of wayward hair kinks at the touch of a button leaving hair soft, manageable and camera ready instead of something resembling a decomposing crow.
Readers are welcome to join the appeal by downloading a sponsorship form by clicking right here.
UKIP supporters please abstain.