Written by Backandtotheleft
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Wednesday, 2 April 2014

For a long time now Back and to the Left news have shouted and screamed at anybody who will listen that MPs are not from this planet. Finally we have proof. Or something like that.

A new position has opened up in the Labour party for someone to come in and help Ed Miliband "talk like a human". However like teaching a dog to drive a bus we fear this may be impossible.

Ed, who looks like that weird kid who was kept behind a year at school because he won't stop masturbating in woodwork, is being urged by his political peers to talk "in a normal human language" to voters. Mainly (our research confirms this) voters tend to be human and respond well to words they understand and if their from Birmingham they respond very well to pictures.

The party want someone who is able to bring out Ed's "brand strength". In what sense BTTL news is unsure. The one thing that voters know about Ed is that he betrayed and stabbed his brother in the back so he could ascend to power like a Sith Lord. So what will this person do to promote his brand strength? Well they could dress him up as Macbeth and have him murder Banquo (played by his brother). This might connect with more middle class voters, maybe, we don't know we're not brand strength promoters.

Despite giving off the impression he would rather be in his loft with his collection of interesting soil specimens he is in charge of the Labour party. Something that long ago was a position of respect but has now being turned into a national joke by successive leaders with about as much grasp of politics as we do of comedy.

Ed is a man who is prone to committing more gaffes than Sepp Blatter and was caught last week appearing to sniff a female panellist on ITV's "The Agenda". When you give off the vibe of a creepy kid who watches the girls get changed through a hole in the wall looking like your sniffing someone is not a good look.

The race for Number ten is wide open, not because of any of the candidates display any sort of political strength, but because they all have the collective backbone of a whelk. The election is there to be won and if the new aide to Ed is able to stop him giving voters the impression he licks the inside of tissues after he's used them, then maybe Labour have a real chance. If they all don't sort their shit out we're going to end up with Nigel "I really only have one area of policy" Farage in charge.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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