Food Writers at the Daily Maile have announced that if people simply cut out fresh meat, fruit and veg from their diet they will probably live forever. The new findings, which are totally made up, say that processed food like burgers and sausages, chips and fish twizzlers are a staple part of our diet and general health.
OUT WITH :
Fresh broccoli, carrots, apples, oranges, meat, fish, fresh milk, eggs, butter, bread.
IN WITH :
Dried soups, pasta Chicken Noodle Pots, corned beef, crisps, chocolate, chips and ice cream.
Nicknamed The Student Diet for no obvious reason, the new breakthrough is expected to prolong life and cut billions from the NHS cost of treating people with poor diet histories. First results of taking up the diet may be off putting -increased sex drive, laziness, spots and looking pasty but according to The Maile these symptoms will be replaced in a matter of weeks with ones of extremely robust health.