Written by Auntie Jean
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Sunday, 30 March 2014

image for E.U. - Now You Can't Swat Scottish Midges - Has the World Gone Bureaucracy Mad ?

After Scotland is removed from the U.K. and is pronounced independent, E.U. conservation rules will come into force to protect all Scottish insects, particularly the Highland Midge or Gnat. E.U. police will stand next to roadside Pipers with the power to impose heavy fines on anyone swatting a midge or telling a Piper to stuff his bagpipes up his ass.

The Highland midge (Scots: Midgie) (Gaelic: Meanbh-chuileag) is a species of annoying small flying insect, found in upland and lowland areas (fens, bogs and marshes) especially in the north west of Scotland from late spring to late summer. Female Highland midges are well known for gathering in clouds and biting humans to death, and are the smallest flies in Scotland to do so, though the majority of the blood they obtain comes from festering corpses, cattle, sheep and deer. They are generally regarded as fucking nuisances.

Despite Scotland's exceptionally cold winter in 2010, in the Scottish Highlands, the midge population actually increased the following summer due to the cold weather reducing its natural predators, such as bats and birds.

The female midges tend to bite in close proximity to the breeding site and cause fucking great lumps which become red and itchy. and near to the ground, and the little bastards are most active at the nicest part of the day, just before sunset. Midges are less active after sunset, as well as with wind speeds of over 6 mph, or humidity below 60-75%.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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