Written by Auntie Jean
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Saturday, 29 March 2014

image for Loch Ness Monster "Wrong Size" for new E. U. Regulations
Too long by 2 metres

New E.U. Lake Monster regulations taking effect from referendum day 18th September may mean Loch Ness will have to be drained and the monster shortened by 2 metres to bring it in line with 22 other European Lake Monsters, a spokesperson from Brussels stated today.

Germans in particular like their monsters to be exactly 23 metres long and with the Independence Declaration imminent, Angele Merkel's approval of the Scottish monster will be essential. "The days of higgledy piggledy monsters are long past now, and just as our bananas have to be straight, our monsters must be uniform in length", a Pedant said this morning.

Alex Salmon said "I don't mind this at all, we will probably do it after Easter when its quiet again though. I've been meaning to clean out the Loch for a couple of years now and we will probably put a new pump and filter in. I think we will have to stop people from over feeding the monster as the water soon gets smelly and cloudy. I might get some of those Sucking Loaches to keep green algae off the side of the Loch while I'm at it. There's an E.U. grant available for this now".

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