Written by Auntie Jean
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Thursday, 27 March 2014

image for Independent Scotland Makeover
Old image - stodgy pies

Independent image consultancy firm, Koch Wan has published the results of its investigation into the acceptable image for a new Scotland.

Out with: Scotch eggs, stodgy pies, haggis, whisky, kilts, drunken Glaswegians sleeping in cardboard boxes, kippers, salted porridge, Rabbie Burns, Rabbie Nesbit, sweaters your grandma wouldn't be seen dead in, midges, bagpipes and terrible football.

In with: Edinburgh Festivals and wine bars, Ewan Mc Gregor, Scottish made Sports Cars, Scottish Wine, Scottish Oysters, tennis, cricket, "Heavy" bitter and Aberdeen Angus steaks.

The 4000 page document lists thousands of necessary changes including a requirement that a Scotsman should strive to look like Alex Salmond, or at least be bald and fat. Scottish women will be compelled to look similar to Lorraine from daytime television.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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