Written by Lord Number Nine
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Friday, 14 March 2014

image for Mathematics to be abolished in an independent Scotland
2 + 2 will equal 5 after independence.

Mathematics would not exist in an independent Scotland.

The startling revelation was made today in a speech by First Minister Alex Salmond, where he outlined more of his plans for the country in the event of a Yes vote.

The shock announcement comes after the SNP realised that none of the figures they were quoting actually made any sense, with each one discovered to be woefully wrong.

"No more mathematics or arithmetic," said Salmond.

"You can count on that."

Instead, schoolchildren will be educated in a kind of black magic called Eckonomics, where you simply put your entire beliefs in what one person says, no matter if it's correct or not.

"This proves once again that Scotland can be a shining beacon in the world, leading the way where others, especially England, will lag behind," Salmond went on.

"Who needs things to add up when you can just pretend that they will. Trust me, it'll be fine."

It has also been announced that each child in Scotland would receive a 'Magic Independence Wand', capable of many wondrous things.

The wands are to be made from old girders and it is believed that with one swoosh, Socialism will appear.

Other tricks include turning bad politicians magically into really nice ones and creating an oil fund that wouldn't be required to balance the books.

"Who needs J K Rowling's support? We'll all be wizards and witches in an independent Scotland," cackled Salmond.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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