Back and to the Left news has returned from our coverage of the winter Olympics where, after a couple of drinks with some Russian athletes, one thing led to another and the Ukraine got invaded. We returned to a country (this one not the Ukraine) in turmoil.
We have discovered that maths teachers are to be drafted in from China to help the UK improve it's maths skills. Up to sixty tutors will be imported to teach at one of thirty "Elite Maths Hubs" set up around the country. Or as the Chinese will come to call them "Child Detention and Re-evaluation Centre's".
Schools Minister Liz Truss, yet another official looking for a quick fix solution, said:
"We have brilliant maths teachers here...."
Which is why we're bringing in some from abroad, that's like being a qualified plumber and paying someone a call out fee to come fix a leaking tap on Christmas day.
She went on (we think, she may have been lip syncing):
"...what I saw in Shanghai and other Chinese cities has only strengthened my belief we can learn from them...."
Yeah we can learn the secret of maths from them and maybe they can learn human rights from us.
A spokesman for teachers everywhere said:
"This just doesn't add up, bringing in teachers from abroad will divide public opinion. Placing Chinese teachers in schools will only multiply the problem and really doesn't get at the root of the troubles. You can't just sum up all our maths problems with a single simple formula, no this is something that requires help from all sides (of the equilateral triangle)."
He said all this, quite clearly, with a mouthful of pie.
Was this spokesman really there? Or was he a fictional character so we could end this piece with a load of mathematical puns? You'll just have to trust us.
We have one thing left to add here, if our kids can't get good at maths with people shouting at them in English, how the fuck are they going to do it if their being shouted at in Chinese?