Written by Patrick Parkinson
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Tuesday, 11 March 2014

image for Hollyoaks to experiment by hiring "professionally trained actors" for future episodes

The channel 4 soap opera "Hollyoaks" has taken the controversial decision to hire "trained actors and actresses" to play characters in future episodes. The decision has been made by producer Lesby Harrow who said it was an extreme but necessary departure from the old process of hiring dolled-up models based on their looks.

"Up until now our hiring policy was to simply shout out of the studio window at any pretty people walking past and offer them a role on the show" said Mr Harrow. "We usually would only worry about the acting-part on the day of filming. Some of the actors simply chew gum on camera and then we got them to dub their lines over the scene later in a recording booth."

Many people have denounced the decision. Former producer Sandy Bloom said "what crazy thing will he think up next? Hire trained scriptwriters?" Harrow explains how the hunks and bimbos previously hired were trained on the show.

"It's not hard to act on "Hollyoaks". There are only five things actors ever have to learn to do on the show which are - 1.) learn to be drunk 2.) bump into any potential love interests in the street 3.) get their kit off for some kissing scenes suitable for teenage audiences with the love interest 4.) look sad and confused when you hear a loved one has died 5.) act desperate when a rival locks you in a makeshift dungeon and holds you at gunpoint until the police arrive"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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