Written by Joe Leff
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Friday, 7 March 2014

A virtually unknown man from the North was unveiled last night as Britain's Eurovision contestant.

"His musical talent is not necessarily of the highest standard," said a BBC TV spokesman, "but he is likely to win viewers over by his unique style of nose-picking as an accompaniment to his singing."

BBC chiefs hope that 76-year-old Ivor Lottaboagis will revive the UK's flagging fortunes in the contest when he performs his own song 'Somewhere Up There I Can Get It'.

Ivor, from Gateshead, said "My singing has improved a lot since I started simultaneously picking my nose. It clears all the bogeys out, and also helps my breath control. And anyway, my name is no worse than Engelbert Humperdinck - who also used to do funny things when he was singing."

Fellow contestants are said to be concerned, and Eurovision producers have issued a health and safety warning. "If Mr. Lottaboagis wins, do not shake his hand, or give him a 'high-five'."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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