LONDON -- The "first comprehensive global study of sexual behaviour" has been determined to be a hoax, say French researchers. The British research found that that married people have the most sex, and there is no firm link between promiscuity and sexually transmitted diseases.
"The so-called 'British sex study' was transparently a fraud," said Dr. Jean-Jacques Clement, a noted sexologist from Sorbonne University. "We should have known that as soon as we saw the title: 'British sex study'. What would a Brit know about sex? The last time a Brit is known to have had sex was in 1963 during the Profumo Affair. I fully expected 'C. Keeler' to be listed as a co-author."
"Married people have the most sex? I'll also suppose their follow-up study will show that babies come from under cabbage leaves," said Dr. Pierre Ricaud of the Hirschfeld Institute for Sexual Science in Paris. "Obviously the researchers didn't interview one key demographic -- married people. Married people have more sex than whom? Dead people?"
This sex and marriage finding has thrown into disarray the Catholic Church's plan to re-institute celibacy in the priesthood by allowing married priests. "Obviously, if married people have sex then our proposal is doomed to failure," said Cardinal Miroslav Vlk of Prague, head of the Vatican's Council on a New Celibacy.
One of the British sex study's other findings has sex workers celebrating but sex researchers, such as Dr. Barry Wood, in despair. "It's always great to have a study that dispells 'myths,' such as sexually transmitted diseases are, well, not sexually transmitted. And, you have to admit, it is fun to throw out a couple of hundred years of science and millennia of human experience with one study.
"We all know how honest people are about their sexual behavior when talking to strangers, and, of course, different cultures couldn't possibly have different standards for talking about their own sexual behaviors," said Wood.
"Good thing a study like this would never be published in a reputable journal," added Wood.
The British sex study was published as part of a series on sexual and reproductive health by the British medical journal The Lancet.
The study's lead author Professor Kaye Wellings of the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicines and her colleagues analyzed data from 59 countries. Researchers looked at published studies on sexual behavior in the last decade, and data from national governments worldwide, and noted that the survey results were based on self-reporting.
"We did have some of our preconceptions dashed," Wellings said.
"Now," said Dr. Wood, "if they can just have some of their common sense restored."
Copyright 2006, Douglas Salguod