Written by Lord Number Nine
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Friday, 28 February 2014

image for SNP to open chain of hairdressing salons
When you put your fingers like this, you can pretend they are scissors.

Alex Salmond today revealed plans for The Scottish National Party to open a chain of hair and beauty salons around Scotland.

The move follows on from yesterday's comments made by celebrity hairdresser, Nicky Clarke, who said that "Scots are not educated enough to make political decisions on their own".

The words angered the First Minister: "Quite frankly, if we're now being lectured on politics by a hairdresser, then everything's fucked."

"If he can dip his toe into politics, then I'm becoming a hairdresser."

"And to be honest, have you seen the state of his napper? What a twat."

The move was welcomed by self-proclaimed bunch of cool people, National Collective, who expressed their delight through the medium of dance and spoken word at an event held today in Edinburgh.

"This is a fantastic announcement," said a spokesperson smoking a pipe.

"Just think, now we can have our hipster beards trimmed by like-minded people instead of running the gauntlet and risking a not-arty-at-all Unionist going near us with scissors."

The group then performed an improvised comedy routine about a hipster having his beard shaped by a No voter, which nobody laughed at but themselves.

It is understood that a 'Salmond's Salon' will open in each of Scotland's seven cities, with potentially more to come depending on success.

The first, to be named 'The Barnet Formula' will open in Glasgow city centre in mid-March with the remainder to follow soon after.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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