Written by Lord Number Nine
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Monday, 24 February 2014

image for Pete Wishart to be Alex Salmond's 'hauners'
The meetings took place behind Westminster where the older MPs have a crafty smoke.

Pete Wishart revealed today that he is now Alex Salmond's 'hauners' and that he had set up a fight between the First Minister and the Conservative leader, David Cameron. The Perth and North Perthshire MP made the claim following a series of secret meetings involving other SNP MPs and MSPs.

The meeting, which took place behind Westminster where the older MPs go to have a crafty fag, was said to be "productive" and "positive".

It is believed that Wishart took it upon himself to arrange a "square go" between Salmond and Cameron after repeated attempts to set up a debate fell through. Wishart is said to have dropped a note into Michael Gove's bag requesting that they meet "at The Smoker's", something which the Education Secretary refused to do, causing Wishart to "take a pure heemo".

Wishart, who is mainly always angry, also revealed that John Swinney would "haud the jaikets" while Deputy FM Nicola Sturgeon would "keep an edgy" after they "jumped that feartie Tory toff" when leaving his office.

Other details are sketchy at this time as Wishart left to play a game of "three and in" with other MPs. He was last seen arguing with Labour MP Jim Murphy yelling: "Ma baw, ma rules".

Murphy later described him as "a pure tadger".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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