In a move of breathtaking brilliance, the Community Secretary Eric Pickles today put down his pie and announced the initiative to save the Thames Valley from further flood damage.
'The Environment Agency will henceforth direct their hoses down the Channel Tunnel'. He went on to explain that specialist pumping gear is being lifted into place to divert excess waters direct from the Thames down the big hole hole used for the Eurostar at Waterloo. 'We had a structural engineer from UKIP look into it and he declared the hole fit for purpose. He said they couldn't understand why we hadn't use it in the first place'.
'While we are at it, we have a back-up plan for the next Tube strike', he smiled winningly.
To counter accusations of being London-centric, he added that rural communities will be well served by the extensive network of emerging potholes, forming ample 'green drainage'. In the summer these will be 'the people's resevoirs' to negate the need for any hosepipe bans, and enable rural communities more self-sufficient.
Meanwhile the EU are lobbying the UK to keep the Thames barrier raised, to limit water damage to the neighbours. Except France. No-one likes France.