Written by Lord Number Nine
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Thursday, 20 February 2014

It has been revealed today that National Collective are to open a helpline to assist its members on how to deal with the devastating news that David Bowie is a Unionist. The group, made up entirely by fuds who are completely up themselves, reacted sharply after being inundated with messages from confused members.

"Its not fair!" wailed one, "He's, like, so fucking cool and that means he should support us, not them!"

Another said: "I was just feeding my child when I heard the awful news. I was so devastated that I ruined Sebastian's favourite vegan supper."

Some more food was spoiled by this member: "I was so shocked by the revelation that I spat out my stir fry tofu. Not that I was watching The Brits, I'm far too cool for that. I was, erm, listening to something radical on vinyl."

National Collective say they hope that the helpline is like "a massive bifter" for those affected and "pure chills them right out man". The group, whose members think that they are much better than you simply because they can draw wee pictures or write pure properly, admit that Bowie is now "a complete disappointment" and that they hoped no more cool people "let them down".

National Collective were formed some years back, with membership steadily growing. To join, certain criteria must be met, although it remains a secret until the Grand Master Bellend accepts you as a brother or sister. However, leaked documents showed that, in particular, you must wear red trousers and smoke roll-up tabs. Also revealed was that men must own a checked shirt and braces, while women need a floral print dress, stripey tights and ballet shoes. You must also have seen all the latest bands "in a wee venue before they made it big". A beard is not essential but it is customary. A smug sense of self satisfaction is required.

If you have affected by the news of David Bowie, you can call the helpline on: 0800 4 26 2 926537 or more easily remembered: 0800 I AM A WANKER

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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