The British Tourist Board has described the UK's seaside resorts as "sh*t", "dirty scum holes", "fat northerner meccas" and "Blackpool".
Holliday makers are becoming disillusioned with the British seaside holiday. British seasides are clogged with 'comedians' that try and keep their pitiful career going by rotating through the resorts with the same act.
Acts such as Canon and Ball, Minnie-Ha-Ha, the Chuckle Brothers, the Crankies and Roy 'chubby' Brown are familiar faces plastered all over town whenever you go to the seaside.
The quality of the acts leaves a lot to be desired. The Chuckle Brothers are infamous for disguising blue jokes and depravity as 'family fun'.
Donna Groapmee had this to say, "They [chuckle brothers] were using cucumbers as pretend love-lengths. The tugging of the cucumbers and the 'to me, to you' catchphrase was bad enough... but no amount of counseling is going to get my kids over the spraying of the salad dressing into the audience."
"They [seaside resorts] need to get their acts together!" - says Fanny Abott, Minister for Seasides. (They've got their 'acts' together and that's the problem. Fanny, get a grip.)
Haven has been shamed by undercover detectives who say that every night in their Camp's Club houses are exactly the same. Apparently campers were subjected to Birdie Song, Whig-wham-bam and Uptown girl renditions every single night.
In the Paradisio Holidays Camp, Morecambe, it was reported that the yellow coats insisted in audience participation, even when people started to chain themselves to their seats. There was also the infamous cracker competition in which audience members have to stuff as many Jacob's crackers up 'there' in a minute without lube.
Blackpool has tried to go up market by capturing some of that Vegas sheen. Casinos have sprung up all around town in an attempt to bring in the rich and the big boys. Unfortunately the serious gamblers haven't been turning up, something to do with the sale of blue pop and there only being 2p slot machines.
The UK's Coastal resorts are a wash of failing comedy acts, arcades, sex shops and crappy joke shops with love dumplings in the window.
The resorts remain tedious and 'up-market' (sarcastic) until the government decide to ban Jane McDonald and Northern blue comedians. A future date for the ban has not been specified.