In a shock blow for ferret-loving Olympians, the Russian government has banned ferrets and ferret owners from the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi.
British skier and fervent ferret fan Barry Badger was astonished to hear the news, but he suspected something was amiss when he arrived at his hotel to find that no special ferreting trousers had been laid out for him. "Normally I phone ahead to make sure my accommodation is fully prepared," he explained. "When I made my request I was assured that the trousers would be available. It's quite important because when I stick my ferret down my trousers I do need special protection. I'm actually quite sad that they have gone back on their promise."
Russian president Vladimir Putin has attacked "decadent Western countries" for allowing the abomination of ferret-play to take place. He said proudly, "No Russian would ever put a ferret down his trousers. Nor a stoat or a vole." He then joked, "Maybe a bear though."
For Olympic athletes who enjoy ferreting, it is a disaster and a setback for ferret owner's civil rights. Head of the Ferreting Union Timothy Burrough said, "What is this, the 1990s? It's like going back to the bad old days when ferret owners were beaten up in public and mocked on television. Next they'll be repealing my right to marry my ferret! We demand ferret owners be given equal status to non-ferret owners and that all of our special needs are satisfied."
He continued, "We've had enough of ferret-bashing. I just want Vladimir Putin to promise that he will not bash the ferret any more." The Russian president has not yet responded.