Written by CaptainSausage

Print this

Friday, 7 February 2014

image for Unemployment Island is sinking
Some inhabitants of Nowukea are so bored they have begun sculpting rocks

It has been called a tropical paradise for layabouts and the most workshy nation on Earth. But now the South Pacific island of Nowukea - which has an unemployment rate of 99% - is sinking, and nobody is working on a solution.

The island is on a major volcanic fault line and during the 1990s it was slipping beneath the waves at a massive rate of 2cm per year. That might not sound like much but it soon adds up. It is estimated that in the last hundred years the island has halved in size. Sadly, nobody works at the seismic station on Nowukea any more, so it is difficult to say whether it is still under threat.

However, insurance experts FloodWad have been watching satellite photos of the island on the internet, and believe that it may disappear within the next few years. They have offered a generous flood insurance package to the country's inhabitants - for a small fee.

It is unlikely that most islanders would be able to afford it. Money is scarce, and the few people who do have jobs there work for the government and help organise its basic services. Most important of these is the thrice-weekly food delivery to each of the 2000 homes.

So how does an economy like Nowukea's work when none of the people do? Thanks to the oil and fish rich waters which surround the island, the government makes millions selling drilling and fishing rights, then uses the income to feed the people. It is a lazy form of socialism commonly known as the Norwegian model.

It is a state of affairs which has gradually appeared over the last few decades. Previously locals used to fish for themselves, but they found that it was easier to make foreign trawlers pay to do that work while they ate cheap imported chicken burgers instead.

Not everyone is happy with the unemployment situation. There have been concerns that most inhabitants laze around all day watching The Jeremy Kyle Show. Obesity is at an all-time high, even compared to other South Pacific islands. Also the suicide rate has rocketed in recent years, which is blamed on boredom and a lack of activity among the sluggish population.

Prime Minister Happy Futon dismisses the criticism. He says his island is a true paradise and is so popular that they have to constantly chase away immigrants. Just last week a boatload of Scousers begged to be let in but had to be refused access. The unfortunate but cheerful Liverpudlians were redirected instead to the nearby island of Toil, known for its hard-working population and its unsafe salt mines.

Futon has introduced strict immigration controls to prevent any foreigners from relocating there. "We are happy as we are. We don't want any immigrants coming here, bringing their jobs. We're concerned about how one of them would integrate into our society."

There are currently no plans to evacuate the island if it does sink, because the branch of government responsible for civil protection has closed down due to not having any employees.

Residents did not appear concerned. One native, who refused to be named, said he would rather die drowning on his sofa watching TV than move to a country where he would be forced to work.

Make CaptainSausage's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 3 plus 3?

8 25 6 18

Go to top