Chancellor of spin, "Gorgeous George" Osborne has announced that "Loan-Grants" are to be made available to married couples (straight or gay) to build Arks to solve the flood crisis.
He announced to a meeting of redundant shipbuilders in Somerset, "God spoke to me in a dream last night, I can remember his exact words which were:
George, make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, the breadth of it fifty cubits, and the height of it thirty cubits. It shalt be decorated with Osborne fabrics"
"The grant-loans will be cheaper than wasting money dredging strategic rivers, building flood defences and repairing infrastructure", he announced.