Written by Gareth Carpenter
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Tuesday, 18 November 2003

George W Bush has admitted that he is "desperate" to take in a football match this weekend as part of his state visit to the UK.

And the US president stunned reporters by revealing that he was keen to partake in wanton acts of hooliganism before, during and after the game.

Dressed in a Stone Island jacket and a Burberry baseball cap, Mr Bush said he "fancied a bit of a ruck" and wanted to "steam into anyone who was up for it, including coppers".

"It's always been my dream to attend an English soccer match and see how you guys do battle - both on and off the pitch," he told a hushed press conference just as he was about to board his flight to the UK. "But let me warn you limeys now - I'm going to be tooled up and ready for ya."

US presidential aides confirmed that Mr Bush has secured a ticket for the Southampton v Chelsea match at the St Mary's Stadium this Saturday as a guest of the notorious Chelsea Head-hunters hooligan firm.

Mr Bush said he would be getting the 10.28 train down from Waterloo on Saturday morning and planned to smash up a few local Southampton pubs before arriving at the ground. He challenged Southampton fans to meet him at Southampton Central station "to defend their turf".

"Of course the ultimate aim is to take the Southampton end," he chuckled. "But that depends on whether we can get the numbers up and get past the Old Bill."

A spokesman for the Head-hunters firm, who wished to remain anonymous, said Mr Bush was more than welcome to accompany them to the match, as long as he remembered to stick to the rules.

"It doesn't matter if he's the President of America - as long as he's Chelsea through and through, doesn't kick off on shirters, women and kids and doesn't bottle it, then he's in," he added.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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