Written by Herrdoktorfox
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Topics: Army

Sunday, 12 January 2014

image for The Army Game: 2014
Waiting to 'entertain' the troops!

It's non-lateral thinking time from the lads at the Ministry of Defence it would seem, after recent widespread and punitive cuts to Britain's armed Forces it appears there is now a shortfall, excluding the girl guides and the WVS of course.

Thus, a new advertising campaign is to be launched in earnest aimed at reversing the dwindling numbers, including those returning from active service in body bags.

Television, radio, cinema and print adverts will be broadcast and published nationally in the press and other periodicals such as, Gardeners Weekly, Take A Break, Good Housekeeping, The Peoples Friend, OK magazine, Vogue, Nuts and Women's Realm to name but a few will also carry advertisement.

Originally entitled 'Join the Army, see the next World' the adverts will be toned down to the more appropriately entitled, 'More Than Meets The Eye', which, despite rumours to the contrary does not pertain to flying shrapnel!

The Ministry Of Defence recently carried out a survey in which it was found that one in four Britons were pissed off with their jobs and considering suicide, the research, carried out by One UpthePole on behalf of the Army concluded that the Army would be a fitting alternative to boredom offering as it does, unexpected death!

Of the 2,000 people polled, 28% thought Army Reserves spent all day drinking, pissing up the wall and generally chasing women, while 40% did not think a commitment to the Army was flexible enough to include choice of posting to hot exotic locations. A further 40% also thought that signing up to the Army was a lifetime commitment, assuming you are not killed during basic training or within the first week of being posted to some unheard of shithole and stepping on a landmine.

The campaign hopes to capitalise on New Year's resolutions which see half pissed, overweight Christmas pigfest punters wanting to transform their shitty, underpaid rotten lives and dead-end careers.

Commenting on it, Chief of the General Staff, General Sir Quinton Ball-Ups Smyth, said: "The Army offers people unique opportunities for challenges such as bullet and bomb dodging and adventure, such as avoiding STD's in cut-price back street brothels during recreational leave. It develops personal qualities that are key to success in any walk of life, such as filling out unemployment benefit forms after being demobbed. Leadership judgement, determination and physical stamina, especially during gang bangs in downtown Beirut or Kabul knocking shops when pissed out of your Skull, of course edible fruit flavoured condoms will be issued to all active personnel during such conflict!"

A new simplified online application form, a more streamlined medical clearance process and an Army fitness app, will also be launched this month, along with downloadable vouchers for Primark for uniform fitting and collection.

The MoD has committed to increasing the size of the Army Reserve to 35,000 by 2015-or sooner if WW3 breaks out-despite recent poor figures, senior officials are adamant they will achieve well above that target as rampant unemployment grows under the existing Coalition Government. Thus, by 2015 the British Army is expected to reach well above that of North Korea and China combined, so those little bastards better not try and start anything

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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