Written by Matt Brown
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Saturday, 11 January 2014

image for Childbirth vs a kick in the privates, which is more painful?
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Angry scenes at A&E tonight as a man and woman, Barry Nutsafe and Dawn Moulds are having a 'pain-off', just to see which is more painful. Being kicked in the privates or childbirth.

We have an audience including staff having fag breaks, people swearing at pay and dispays, children with lego's stuck in their stomachs and the man who always turns up at some point screaming his head off because he's sprained a finger.

Order is being kept by the official hands of official Dougie Robbins. A 5 minute time limit has been designated. We start with the boot specially flown in from Russia being placed onto the foot of random celebrity siamese couple Alexander Graham Bell and Lonnie Donegan.

1st round has gone to Sharon. She reports minor contractions and only a small amount of pain. Barry is breathing more heavily than when he walked into the hopital and his face has turned a shade red

2nd round belongs to Barry as Sharon contemplated asking for painkillers. Barry seems to have gained a second wind and through gritted teeth he explains that he feels stronger than ever. We detect a bit of kidology there from Barry.

3rd round is uncontested, the leg of Donebell began to tire and it has been replaced by the industrial ball kicking machine.

4th round and both participants are beginning to labour, especially Sharon as we begin to see the the head of something or other emanating from her opening. Barry has now taken 300 consecutive kicks to his groinal area and he is beginning to lose his footing.

The fifth and final round ends with Barry in a heap on the floor having put up a brave effort. Sharon failed to fully give birth and she will have to keep the thing stuck there as the doctors are incompetent.

Barry nutsafe described his performance as 'better than expected'. He was pronounced infertile minutes later and then dead.

So it turns out the answer to this question remains unanswered. As Sharon woddles off back home and Lonniebell are paid their fee we must really consider whether this whole thing was worth it?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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