Christmas will terminate at midnight tonight in an attempt to curb turkey and mince pie abuse. Turkey can still be obtained by addicts but only on prescription. ChristmS trees, tinsel, mistletoe and chestnuts roasting on open fires will be banned until September, the start of Retail Christmas.
Next up will be Epiphany and Lent, which are currently being re-branded to make money out of them. Easter should be a huge commercial success, with crucifixion legalised in time for Good Friday. Plans for a Good Saturday and a Good Sunday should boost retail figures this year. Ascension, Whitsuntide and Trinity are currently being looked at by Russel Brand, party and retail consultant.