Written by Niall Mobsby
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Saturday, 4 January 2014

image for Winds of up to six miles an hour knock over train
What used to be Abbey Wood's railway station

South Eastern Trains have reported that one of its carriages was knocked over during high speed winds yesterday.

The Environmental Agency clocked wind speeds reaching a high of ten miles an hour, that's twice the average walking speed of a human being.

In Woolwich Arsenal station, the train was stopped so the driver could enjoy a cigarette break and a quick chat to his mate. Suddenly, without warning a gust of wind that onlookers described as "little more than a breeze" lifted the 10,000 tonne train clean off the rails and into the embankment.

Jonathon Slog, the driver on duty said: "Yeah, its a real tragedy i think. Was lucky that not too many people were hurt. You cant complain too much because Christmas is over so people don't really need to get back to their families. And now I've got the rest of the day off."

Luckily only three people died and five were injured but the number of people who never made it to work is estimated to be in the thirties. When asked to comment on the deaths, Roger Ripuff said: "They should have left earlier."

In such risky weather conditions South Eastern Railway has announced that it is stopping all trains until further notice but services should be running again around Easter.

South West Trains and First Great Western have followed suit in cancelling all lines until at least after the Tottenham-Arsenal match next Saturday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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