Buckingham Palace, London - (Associated Mess): The Lord Chamberlain, Lord Luce-Cannon has told UK press that HM the Queen has cancelled all current engagements 'due to a pain in the lower lumbar region'...a.k.a. 'Prince' Charles.
The news has meant that yesterday's official anointing with oils of Arsenal Football Club's new stadium and today's trot to Newmarket racecourse were scrapped in favor of continuing industrial strength intravenous senokot which Palace doctors ordered after diagnosing classic 'pain in the ass' syndrome.
Insider experts have claimed that the condition began recently when the Pretender to the Throne told the press he demanded to be crowned Queen in a dual ceremony at Westminster Abbey and Brent Cross Shopping Center where he would be pronounced "Defender of Fate".
But authoritative sources in the Ancient English Order of Bards, Druids and Interpreters of the Splayed Royal Intestines have laughed off this suggestion and reminded the Pretender that his personal heraldic shield bears the sigils of the Fool tarot card, the crossed fingers and a DNA barcode relating to General Pinochet.