Once a part of every city street, but now only found in cultured cities like Glasgow, shouting "head cases" are disappearing from our parks and shopping centres. Dirty, often threatening and intoxicated, these charming "fruitcakes" are becoming a rarity as part of our family shopping excursions. "voices in the head" ranters and plastic shopping bag carrying shouters are noisily drifting towards extinction.
One theory is that they are lying on banks of gurneys inside flying saucers, having been noticed as easy prey by alien exploratory craft. Noisy nutters are thought to be keeping quiet to avoid the audio sensors of the invisible spaceships.
A spokesman for the Edinburgh hollerers told our investigator, "One day they are bothering people in the bus queues quite normally, the next there's a blood curdling scream and I can tell you straight, walking around with curdled blood is no "walk in the park."