It is an ailment which has plagued mankind since the dawn of time. In parts of Africa it is still the second largest cause of death after tooth decay. Before the invention of the cushion it would signal the end of someone's usefulness and sufferers would often be euthanased. But now, scientists have announced that they have discovered the cure for haemorrhoids.
The cure is an injection of botox directly into the anus, twice weekly. The skin-tightening poison in the botox prevents haemorrhoid cells from forming, and the botox ensures that the bumhole remains smiling and healthy. Arse scientist Dr Alan Probe investigated the effectiveness of the treatment during an in-depth study of the adult film industry, after discovering that many adult performers botoxed their anuses regularly and never got haemorrhoids. Dr Probe considers himself a modern day Edward Jenner - his observation of porn star's bottoms being on a par with 18th century scientist Jenner's observation that milk maids who caught cowpox never developed smallpox.
The discovery will save millions of lives and ease the quality of life for many more. But for Dr Probe himself, it comes too late to save his own arse. Ten years ago, Dr Probe was diagnosed with terminal haemhorroids and had to have an anusectomy. He had a titanium arse fitted, but it has caused him constant problems ever since.
He explained, "Of course at first I was delighted to have a fully mechanical anus which was impervious to haemhorroids. However, I was disappointed when after a few months I developed rust and the doctor refused to treat me. He told me to go to a car mechanic instead. That was humiliating enough, but when they lifted me up on their car jack to inspect the damage, I knew I had to do something about it."
However, that was not the only humiliation for Dr Probe's anus. When his real arse was removed, he assumed that would be the last he would ever see of it. Little did he know that human anuses from anusectomies can fetch thousands of pounds on the black market, particularly in China where they are considered a delicacy and an aphrodisiac. For Probe's own anus, there was another twist.
"I had a very distinctive haemhorrhoid. I'd recognise it anywhere. So I was very surprised to switch on the TV one day to see Christopher Biggins tucking into it on that celebrity jungle show where they eat lots of disgusting things."
Seeing Christopher Biggins eating your anus on live television is a harrowing experience for anyone. But thanks to Dr Probe's astonishing new haemhorroid treatment, nobody should ever have to go through that horror ever again.