Armed art trained police swooped on a decorators van in Notting Hill this morning. Mr. C. Mycrack told our reporter, "I had this Crown Paints gloss colour chart in the back of my van, its just a kind of large sheet of coloured circles that my customers choose their decorating colours from.
The police told me the game was up and the chart was a painting by Damien Horst worth 26 million quid. They tasered me and my wife and dog for half an hour. I've got a permanent boner now so I'm very grateful.
Afterwards they admitted that the missing painting looked nothing like a Crown Paint colour chart and we all had a good laugh. I was treated to a free ride in a police car during which I could press the siren button as many times as I wanted.