With his popularity going down faster than a man with erectile dysfunction part-time Prime Minister, Do-nothing-Dave and his ever desperate Coalition Government, are destined for the dustbin of history come the next general election on May 7th 2015!
This inescapable fact has not gone unnoticed by members of the 'Connoisseurs of Kinky Stained Underwear Collectors' or COKSUC as it is known in international circles. This truly global and semi-clandestine organisation are as active and enthusiastic as any other 'Art' collecting group, be it paintings, vintage cars, Ming Dynasty Porcelain, assorted artefacts or plain old Philately.
To date, COKSUC boasts an impressive membership in excess of two million, many of whom are prepared to pay astonishing and record breaking prices for soiled 'celebrity' underwear. Current Director of COKSUC, Mr Peregrine Smythe-Scratchitt who runs the business from his Tower Block Council flat in Hackney, London, cites the recent acquisition, by a nameless member from Texas, of a pair of the late Baroness Thatcher's cack-stained bloomers.
Retired ex-con, ex-Parliamentary toilet cleaner and BR sandwich maker Mr Smythe-Scratchitt further elaborated to our reporter: "The global bidding on Ebay was absolutely stunning to say the least and the final bid truly outstanding at US$2,000 plus postage of £1.50 of course.
Doubtless these cack stained panties will remain locked away in this rich Texans private viewing vault for his eyes/nose/sexual arousal only, after all that is his perverse prerogative of course, snort snort."
Continuing, Mr Smythe-Scratchitt added; "As you can see (pointing to his tea and crumb stained laptop) the current bidding frenzy relates to a pair of Helen Flanagan's open crotch panties which are heavily stained with numerous male bodily fluids, it is the latter that boosts the most interest and determines the price of course. As we speak I have one high bidder in Hong Kong at £1,300 although I expect final bidding to reach double figures due to the 3 million watchers.
However, it is with regard to the Coalition and its future timely defeat that I am hoping for some truly spectacular, if not record breaking deals, especially those worn by David Cameron when he concedes defeat. I estimate he will follow through with a real seam splitting 'Richard the Third' thus leaving a truly magnificent stain. Ditto Nick Clegg, especially if he has his customary late night curry the day before. But the 'piece de resistance' as they say in Birmingham, will be a pair of Teresa Mays French bloomers, the amount of interest in this woman's undercrackers defies logic, I can only assume that she does not change them very often?"
When asked if there might possibly be any interest in a pair of Eric Pickles Y-fronts Mr Smythe-Scratchitt informed us that due to the size of said garment the postage would be prohibited and thus bidders would be put off! By contrast Ed Miliband's thong would fetch a tidy price due to it being lodged tightly up his rectum most of the time.
It remains to be seen what the outcome of the 2015 elections might bring, but as far as Mt Smythe-Scratchitt is concerned he is in a win-win situation. Should Labour win he is confident that both Yvette Cooper and Ed Balls underwear would indeed fetch a good price as they are known to wear each other's clothing when in the privacy of their home!
When pressed by our reporter as to the 'acquisition' of these somewhat personal items Mr Smythe-Scratchitt became somewhat agitated, however he did concede that his many years working in Parliamentary toilets had indeed given him 'access' denied others, "nuff said, snort snort!"