There will be no dreaming of a white trash Christmas on the council estate or the trailer park for benefit claimants from 2016 if the Government succeed in passing a law to prohibit the celebration of Christmas by those in receipt of welfare revealed the Secretary of State for Work & Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, in an announcement today.
In a speech to the House of Commons this morning, Iain Duncan Smith described the decision to prevent claimants from: "the squander of welfare payments at Christmas on cheap alcohol, crap from Poundland & Paxo stuffing etcetera etcetera," as a "controversial but fundamentally morally justified one which the majority of stuck up middle England agreed with."
And according to the blueprint from the Department of Work & Pensions, which yours truly has exclusively obtained, legislation will not just be restricted to the purchase of festive merchandise. Claimants & their families are also to be banned from the use of their flat screen TVs, the decoration of their dwellings & trailers & trips to the cinema & pantomime during the Yuletide period. In fact, from 2016 it will be illegal for those in receipt of welfare to participate in any activity deemed to be festive.
"Every year my Christmas & the Christmases of the Tory electorate are haunted by the spectre of our taxes funding these fat, feral doleites' Christmas cheer." frothed Iain Duncan Smith to the Daily Spoof, "The poor aren't supposed to enjoy themselves during this time of the year & the fact they are ruins Christmas for the rest of us. It has to stop." he continued.
Mrs. Upton-Snipe, a constituent of Iain Duncan Smith & a rabid, Tory voter told the Daily Spoof: "You see them orf the council estate & trailah park: big, fat arses in pink, velour tracksuits dragging their pit bulls & feral children into Poundland simply to emerge, grinning inanely, with bags of tinsel & Twiglets. They're obviously enjoying Christmas on my taxes. It's disgusting. It's about time someone put a stop to it" Yet as draconian as the proposed legislation embraced by Tory voters such as Mrs. Upton-Snipe may seem to the rest of us, there are Tories who are calling for even tougher measures against those in receipt of welfare at Christmas.
The Rt.Hon Minty Farquhar, a Tory backbencher, dismisses the Government's prohibition of festive celebrations by benefit claimants at Christmas as "nannying to scroungers" & called for a return to traditional, English Victorian values at Christmas instead by the abolition of welfare: "The welfare state is what lost us the British Empire." foamed Mr. Farquhar in an interview with the Daily Spoof, "Before its inception, the poor had no alternative to slave labour except the workhouse or hanging but now because of welfare they can do what they like & can't be exploited & the economy suffers. If their welfare were to be stopped for the entirety of the Christmas period the fat, idle dolites would soon have to lickspittle & grovel for 50p an hour then. Eat yer heart out China."
Your fearless reporter took to the streets of Liverpool, a city steeped in the fine tradition of welfare, to ask benefit claimants their opinion of the new legislation proposed by the Government. Kelly, a benefit claimant & mother to two girls: Lambrini Royale, 9, & Britney, 11, told me: "Makes nah difference ter me: wa' de Government brass me in welfare juss keeps de Rottweiler's in Maltesers anyroad & Lambrini Royale & Brittany eat down de crisp aisle o' Asda at Crimbo & spend Crimbo Day in its car park cos Am usually out on de rob."
Both the Leader of the Opposition, Ed Miliband MP, & the Shadow Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Rachel Reeves MP, couldn't be bothered to comment. But that's mostly because she wasn't asked to.