"It's outrageous" ranted Mr. Tristram Lard of Balham, south west London to Spoof reporter Paxton Quigley "There I was minding my own business crossing the high road after a few pints of Old Dogfarter in the Stoat and Gobbler with my shopping trolley laden with a week's supply of doughnuts and hotdogs and a carrier bag full of Big Macs when I spotted some scruffy geezer in a leather jacket pointing a camera at me. He punched the air and said 'yesss' then ran off into the tube station.
"I thought nothing of it at first, you know there's a lot of nutters out and about these days, until I was in Tooting Bec Lidl stocking up on bratwurst and currywurst when I noticed the Polish blonde revenue operative, or till girl as I call her, pointing me out to her colleague and tittering. Other customers were gawking at me too and it was quite disturbing.
"The next day I was in KFC buying my daily Bargain Bucket when the manager, Raj, asked me if had seen The Spoof. I told him 'No, why?' and he shrugged and said 'never mind'. Well, my curiosity was aroused so I went straight home and after I had demolished my BB and washed it down with a two litre bottle of coke I logged on to The Spoof to see what Raj was on about.
"Imagine how I felt to discover that you bastards at The Spoof have been using my photo as the fat bloke in all sorts of stories, even using me to illustrate what are obviously made up reports. I'm everywhere. I can't even go out now without being stared at and the kids from Chestnut Grove School even chant 'fat bloke...fat bloke...' whenever they see me. My life is hell because of you lot.
"I'll see you in court."