Written by Nick Hobbs
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Tuesday, 12 November 2013

image for Latest Government Austerity Measures Cause Havoc On Nations Pockets
A smug bastard, yesterday.

David Cameron, Prime Minister and Conservative, has unveiled his latest tactic in achieving 'permanent austerity' in Britain.

Announcing his latest plan at a banquet, held in honour of having expensive parties for people who don't really do anything to deserve them, Cameron has vowed to outlaw pockets by the next election.

"Pockets, both in trousers and jackets, will be banned," he told a room full of hoo-ray Henry's at the £15,000 a minute banquet hall in Guildhall, to much guffawing and whooping.

"If we can't keep our money in our pockets then we, as a nation, will be forced to spend, spend, spend," he said, whilst sipping expensive brandy from a pint glass.

This move, say his advisers, will bolster the economy and the banks. "People will keep their money in the banks for as long as possible, enabling our bankers to invest the money in assorted dangerous, and nefarious business deals overseas. If the money is withdrawn, they will spend it immediately in our shops, or risk having it taken by muggers in the street," said Poulton Smedley-Smythe, chief whip of the Tory Boys Club.

Exact details have yet to be released. There is some confusion as to whether all pockets will come under the ban, or if certain types of pocket will still be accepted.

"I can see shirt breast pockets being allowed to remain," an insider told us, "as these are pretty redundant anyway. They're not really big enough to hold anything, and they generally don't button up. But inside pockets would have to go!"

We'll keep you informed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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