Hold onto yer boomerangs cobbers, it's nearly that time of the year again when a motley assortment of unemployable mentally challenged pommie Z list no-hoper's descend on the land of Oz. Yes, it's 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here' time again, the famous UKTV barrel scraping show that keeps the brain dead poms amused for week's on end during the long cold, dark winter nights.
As usual, this debacle will be hosted by that notorious shamed kangaroo shagger and retired Aboriginal slayer, Anton Dec and will be beamed live from the cosy Australian Channel 10 studies which house the annual 'mock-up' jungle.
The latter comprising, plastic undergrowth, hidden dunnies*** for the shit scared celebs, plastic spiders and other assorted creepy-crawlie leftovers from Tesco's Halloween displays, including chocolate whitchetty grubs, jelly 'roo shit and banana flavoured snakes, not forgetting Fosters flavoured 'roo piss. Hammocks will be supplied by Harrods and bedding from the weekly Dunelm Mills UK sales.
Among this years pack of so called celebs are,a long-since forgotten Irish ejit who's only claim to fame is miming his way through 14 years with a crap boy band called, 'Get A Life'! A one brain-celled joker from Essex called, Joey Essex, so called in case he ever gets lost, Steve Davis, renown for playing pocket billiards-sometimes his own-and Matthew Wright. This drongo apparently the host of a highly intellectual debate show adored by the pommie masses and entitled, 'The Matthew Wright Show', natch!
With his dodgy eyes and even dodgier barnet it is assumed that weedy Matt could well gain the sympathy vote from the pommie Sheila's, more so if he wears his budgie smugglers on camera, poor bastard!
Hot from some clapped-out dance show entitled, 'Strictly Geriatric' hosted by celebrated death defying vampire, Bruce 'g'day' Forsooth, comes acclaimed lounge lizard Vincent 'the snake' Simone, so nicknamed due to having been blessed with a whopper!
Supplying the usual bout of sweaty gratuitous sex under the studio lights will be two Sheila's, Amy Willerton, Great Britain's Miss Bristol(sic) and Lucy Pargeter 'star' of ITV's acclaimed costume drama, "Emmerdale" who will go 'tit to tit' under the flowing Perrier shower water. Producers are hoping for a bit of added sexual tension this year between the 'ladies' especially if Vince's snake escapes during the night or he fancies a bit of bush tucker...nudge nudge!.
At time of going to press ITV are scouring the BBC/C4/C5 looking for other potential mongrels to fill this years jungle quota but are having problems due to the dearth of has been's in the wake of Operation Yewtree!
Producers may of course approach another politician or two, as was the case last year when Nadine Dorries scored heavily with viewers after flashing her hooters. Nick Clegg, Ed Balls and even William Haigh could be considered. But seemingly Eric Pickles has definitely been ruled out as the 'Celebrity' food budget could not sustain him during the entire season at the risk of the other contestants turning to live cannibalism....now there's a thought?
*** For the hard of hearing, slang for the krapper!