In a panicked response to Ed Miliband's popular policy of freezing energy prices, Prime Minister David Cameron today made an unscheduled visit to the House of Commons to announce a new personally endorsed initiative to solve his government's energy price crisis. His solution: a new NHS programme whereby the clinically obese will donate their fat to provide the fuel for a new generation of power stations.
Supported by members of his cabinet, the Secretary for Energy and Climate Change Edward Davey and confirmed homeopathy aficionado and Chinese medicine freak Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, the Prime Minister stunned the few members who could be arsed to turn up to listen to another of his worked-out-on-the-back-of-an-envelope policies.
"In response to the honourable Leader of the Opposition's accusation that on this side of the house we have been doing nothing to relieve the public of the burden of ever-increasing fuel bills, I had a few glasses of Bollinger last night with my colleagues in charge of energy and the NHS and we have come up with a simple solution to solve the dual crises of obesity and rising energy costs. That solution is fat burning power stations.
"The NHS will no longer perform the dangerous procedure of gastric banding for clinically obese patients but will immediately institute a programme of liposuction to replace that procedure and this will be offered to all patients instead of gastric banding, controlled diets and exercise regimes. 'Why?' you may ask, because we will harvest the fat from these patients on a regular basis to use as fuel. The current obsolete coal fired power stations which are inefficient and dirty will be converted to burn this fat. These two programmes will have a dual effect. They will improve the health of the nation by controlling the weight of those who are obese and will decrease energy bills by using the resultant by product."
A government spokesman later refused to confirm that Eric Pickles, Secretary for Communities and Local Government would be designated to fuel his personal power station.