The Patron Saint of Lost Causes, St Jude, the hero of this particular fighter for lost causes, is due to visit the UK shortly.
Media anticipation of the Saint's arrival has outstripped the welcome given to the last Pope when he visited our shore. We are promised as much excitement as we can take - disaster, falling trees, power cuts and floods.
Out roving reporter has met many people who are not venturing outdoors for the next few days so they can watch everything on television. Warned of power cuts they are worrying that they may miss all the thrills and spills but Mrs Maggie Mopp (44) has arranged for reports from throughout the world to be sent to her through her satellite dish. She has installed a private electrical supply for the big event.
Not since the Olympic Games has the nation been faced with such anticipation. St Jude is breaking all the rules and is winning his cause for the most dramatic entry into the UK since Julius Caesar.
The Government has warned Immigration Officials to refuse entry to St Jude and UKIP have pledged to send the Saint 'back to where he belongs'. However latest news is that the Saint will come marching in!!!